I've always thought that things would get easier as baby grows older. I was wrong. Baby J, who used to be quite an easy baby, has morphed into this really difficult infant, who refuses to feed until he is asleep. He thrashes and cries and refuses to nurse when he's awake, so it has been a lot of patting and rocking to get him to sleep (while trying to care for Junior J too, who has a tendency to wake his brother up). Then he's been waking up frequently at night, so some nights I've had him stick to me for the entire night. Couple this with having to take care of a 3 year old with a mind of his own, and I've had a couple of melt-downs (some from Junior J, and some from me). Then there's the packing, which is overwhelming. I'm still decluttering and throwing out stuff, and trying to sort out clothes for the kids (which is going to be a long long task since they have so much), and all this is done in the middle of the night, since its impossible to get anything done during the day. There is still so much to do: find an apartment that doesn't cost a bomb to rent (and that is willing to take in 2 kids), find a kindy to register Junior J in for 2013, clear out the house (that's gonna take at least 2 weeks), buy stuff like dried goods for the move, ship stuff over, get baby J's shots, find a cleaning lady to do occasional cleaning when we are away... and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
All this has been slowly eating into me, and I am worn out. Its like I am doing everything wrong: can't seem to get dinner to the table on time, can't seem to say the right things to the hubby, can't seem to find a rhythm to fit both kids, can't seem to find time to pack, can't seem to feel excited about this once in a lifetime move. I feel guilty that I don't seem to have time to sit down to craft with Junior J, or plan activities for him, and that I've not been cooking much for the whole family.
So in these periods of feeling really really down, I've started to do my quiet time in the mornings again, if I manage to sneak away from baby J before he wakes up. Its like my dried-up heart desperately needs some filling up, otherwise I can't seem to face another day of challenges. And recently, I read this:
"The inspiration of God is required if drudgery is to shine with the light of God upon it. In some cases the way a person does a task makes that work sanctified and holy forever. It may be a very common everyday task, but after we have seen it done, it becomes different. When the Lord does something through us, He always transforms it." - Oswald Chambers
That thought lifted me up, that I can arise and shine, no matter how low I have sunk, only through God's grace and strength. That while I stumble and fall, when I lose my temper, while I get criticized or misunderstood, I can still get up, but only through Him. That perhaps in
all the mundanity there is still some meaning. And there was also the reminder, that all
music is made in stress. The plucked string, the voice lifted, the pressed keys on the instrument... all resound only with pressure. Perhaps all this is a reminder to keep clinging on, lest I think I am able or capable on my own strength. That we can all make music, provided we choose to be instruments in God's hands, wherever we are placed.
So I am thankful for the little bright spots that filter in each day, which sometimes seem brighter shining through the dim days that we've been having:
:: The brothers playing together:
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| Baby J is a crocodile and I am feeding him meat! |
:: Rare naps on his own:
:: The cheeriness of children, who embrace the moment, and know how to play:
:: Peaceful family moments:
:: Witnessing growth and the conquering of milestones:
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| Just 1 month ago, he had to be pushed on his bike. Now he's zooming at top speed! |
So now its your turn. What are you thankful for this week?
